Domestic Violence

[Ioya Two]

Does anyone have any experience? I adore my husband, but he's bipolar and I can't trust that he won't get violent one day, when he rages. Not too sure where to look for help. His doctor is no help, and I don't have that sort of relationship with my family to confide in them.

[BaroqueAgain1]

I just started with Google and found:
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline
Support, resources and advice for your safety
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Available: 24/7, 365 days a year. Bilingual advocates on hand.
Resources: thehotline.org
Chat now: M-F, 10am-8pm ET

Listen to your instincts; if you think your husband MAY become violent, you could be right. Take steps to protect yourself now. Good luck

[lurkey mclurker]

Is there any way you and he could find a different doctor? At the very least the doctor should be exploring with your hubby different meds/dosages to try to keep in balance... !

[peeptoad]

Not personally, but my best friend's husband we suspect is bipolar. He refuses to go to the doctor to get evaluated though, which is maddening, but not much anyone can do.
My friend's family is also not involved (for complex and too-long-to-explain reasons), so my friend largely confides in me. At my insistence she has undergone counseling herself, since what her husband does is out of her control. This had a minor positive affect only though since the issue lies with the other half, but it did help her put things into better perspective and (more importantly imo) it motivated her to do positive things for herself and that ultimately helped a bit. She also worked very hard on identifying what she thought were "triggers" for his behavior. So she's now able to avoid some of the trigger actions and she's working on her interactions with him when he is triggered by something, and becomes angry and rages. It's a tough road though. No easy answers, especially when the person refuses medical help.

I'd say the main advice I can give you, if you haven't done it already, is speak with a counselor yourself (one not affiliated with your husband's doctor). This might give you skills and/or perspective to help you deal when your husband rages. Probably not much help, but you at least have control over your actions, even if your husband does not have control over his.

[Catalina]

Is there any way you and he could find a different doctor? At the very least the doctor should be exploring with your hubby different meds/dosages to try to keep in balance... !

Unfortunately, it's still up to the patient as to whether he takes the meds as directed by the doctor.

[Starine]

I commend you for reaching out and being proactive. The hotline BA gave above is your best resource.

Do you have a close friend(s) you can count on? I was looking at a couple of websites and they had some good suggestions as far as being prepared, such as:

*Where you and your children can go in an emergency or if you decide to leave. (If you can't stay with friends or family and need a secret location, check with the Domestic Abuse Hotline for safe accommodation services.)
*Have a code word or signal to let others know you need help.
*Have an 'escape bag' ready and hidden with essentials like money, important personal documents, medications, keys, clothes, etc.

Please keep us posted so that we know that you are okay.

[Ioya Two]

I'm okay I guess, it's just I've never dealt with issues like this before. He knows he has a problem, and is actively involved with a doctor, but it's getting to the point where I cannot be sure of my own safety. So I have a lot to sit down and think about.

[Somnambulist]

I'm okay I guess, it's just I've never dealt with issues like this before. He knows he has a problem, and is actively involved with a doctor, but it's getting to the point where I cannot be sure of my own safety. So I have a lot to sit down and think about.

Does anything near you offer free self defense classes? Almost every karate place around here offers basic self defense for women. I don't know where you live, but maybe there is a support group around you for family members with mental illness. I'd check any major university or hospital's website then call/e-mail them for suggestions. Funding for psych is forever too low but there are a lot of resources out there. Maybe even outpatient programs could recommend a therapist for you.

It's a very fine balance when someone in your life suffers from a severe mental illness to not let their illness drag you down too. Good luck. It's a difficult thing but there are definitely resources out there for you.

[Catalina]

Self defense against a stranger who you don't worry about inflicting damage on is a lot easier than self defense against a spouse, Ioya Two. Go talk to a counselor, by yourself. And, sooner rather than later. Good luck.

[Squally]

I'm okay I guess, it's just I've never dealt with issues like this before. He knows he has a problem, and is actively involved with a doctor, but it's getting to the point where I cannot be sure of my own safety. So I have a lot to sit down and think about.

I feel for you, Ioya Two. I really do. My Mom is bi-polar. Unless you've delt with a family member with this (I mean long term) most people just don't understand. I'm lucky, my Mom isn't violent (she can be mean, though, say horrible things that your head understands are the illness speaking but your heart still bleeds). I guess my advise would be to try to talk to his Psychiatrist yourself. My Mom knows what to say to the Dr's and lies. Maybe the Dr doesn't really know how bad it is.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Ioya Two]

And I am still supportive in a sense, because I do care and love him but if it were anyone's spouse, at what point do you just throw your hands in the air and say screw it?? I think about that constantly and with a young daughter my duties as mom go first. I told him once you know I love you, but if I take her and leave, because it's necessary I refuse to feel guilt if you self harm. He is bipolar, and I have no doubt that some of his issues or anger is about me. But there was a lot that happened as a teen that I'm finding out about now. That's most of it. I have spoken to many people about this. I'm afraid to go into too much detail, because he does partake in pot (never around our kid) and I'm worried should people find out, they'd take her. He's a lot more calm and relaxed when he smokes. Please Ohio legalize so I don't have to worry. Plus he's on Risperdal, an antipsychotic med which is doing wonders right now. But I'm still vigilant and careful.

[Quiet Chris]

I hate to tell you this but any psychiatrist would tell you if you are asking if you should leave that means you want to leave. So leave. Life is short and anyone smoking pot and taking an antipsychotic is a disaster waiting to happen. Good luck.

[Ioya Two]

I hate to tell you this but any psychiatrist would tell you if you are asking if you should leave that means you want to leave. So leave. Life is short and anyone smoking pot and taking an antipsychotic is a disaster waiting to happen. Good luck.

Thanks, I'll need it. I try to put up a good front, but spouses of mentally ill and DV victims need just as much help if not more than they do.

[Admin]

Ioya, if you literally fear for your or your child's safety, then I don't see any choice really but to leave so that you put the two of yourselves in a safe place. If he's getting help such as seeing doctors and following their advice (from drugs to regulate to psychiatric help, etc), then you can continue a relationship by having dates and outings with your child, etc but always keep you two safe. At some point, when he's proven to be on the right course and you feel safe, then you can resume the normal marriage of living together.

I don't know the whole story, including what he's done to make you feel fearful, but I would say that if he's hit you or your child then you need to leave. It's not just your lives you're protecting but the emotional scars your child will have by growing up with violence and also teaching him or her that vilence can be acceptable.

Best of luck to you.

[Starine]

Ioya, if you literally fear for your or your child's safety, then I don't see any choice really but to leave so that you put the two of yourselves in a safe place. If he's getting help such as seeing doctors and following their advice (from drugs to regulate to psychiatric help, etc), then you can continue a relationship by having dates and outings with your child, etc but always keep you two safe. At some point, when he's proven to be on the right course and you feel safe, then you can resume the normal marriage of living together.

I don't know the whole story, including what he's done to make you feel fearful, but I would say that if he's hit you or your child then you need to leave. It's not just your lives you're protecting but the emotional scars your child will have by growing up with violence and also teaching him or her that vilence can be acceptable.

Best of luck to you.

Well said, and very sound advice.

[Ioya Two]

No, no physical violence ever. Just liked to bring out weapons and knives and threaten me with them. Constantly. Especially if I took the baby away from him. So I spoke with his parents and I left for a while. When I can see progress medically or mentally ill consider going back. If 6 months go by and I notice nothing, then I'll file for a divorce. Because my little one doesn't need to grow up wondering what's wrong with mom and dad.

[BaroqueAgain1]

If someone brings out weapons and threatens you with them, it's not only time to leave, it's time to notify the police.
Glad to hear that you are now residing away from him. Best of luck making a new, safe life for yourself and your child.

[Starine]

No, no physical violence ever. Just liked to bring out weapons and knives and threaten me with them. Constantly. Especially if I took the baby away from him. So I spoke with his parents and I left for a while. When I can see progress medically or mentally ill consider going back. If 6 months go by and I notice nothing, then I'll file for a divorce. Because my little one doesn't need to grow up wondering what's wrong with mom and dad.

Glad you found the strength to leave him, for you and your child.

[Admin]

No, no physical violence ever. Just liked to bring out weapons and knives and threaten me with them. Constantly. Especially if I took the baby away from him. So I spoke with his parents and I left for a while. When I can see progress medically or mentally ill consider going back. If 6 months go by and I notice nothing, then I'll file for a divorce. Because my little one doesn't need to grow up wondering what's wrong with mom and dad.

It sounds to me that you're being very wise. I wish you the best.

[Ioya Two]

It was quite scary to see weapons, especially knives. They scare me. That's why I don't cook much. I was like, I'm done.