Daily Laugh

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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Sun May 17, 2015 4:44 pm

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I think this one's my favorite so far. How do you top a 70 year old cross dresser with a tie dyed beard, pushing a multi colored poodle wearing a red tutu in a shopping cart full of clothes that would go with that outfit? And what, someone tell me, is on his head? Love the leg warmers, too.

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By Jove! I think she's done it! Words fail me.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Thu May 21, 2015 6:24 am

If anyone is having a bad day, remember that in 1976 Ronald Wayne sold his 10% stake in Apple for $800. It is now worth $58,065,210,000.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Sat May 23, 2015 9:42 am

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.
No questions asked or answers given.
Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely and re-iterates his concern that he should not go into the field.

"See this badge? The officer shouts again.
"This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land, anywhere.
No questions asked. Now Have I made myself clear? Do You Understand? "

The rancher nods again and goes about his business.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your BADGE, Show him your BADGE !!!! "
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Sat May 23, 2015 10:06 am

Some actual tweets....

How far is it from Miami to Florida?

Can your baby get pregnant if you have sex while pregnant?

Just found out that my birthday is the same day I got born. Life is crazy!

I want my first daughter to be a girl....

wow I cant believe the titanic sunk and the people filming it didn't even stop to help
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Sat May 23, 2015 5:39 pm

1. Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Einstein begins to count to ten. Pascal runs and hides. Newton draws a one meter by one meter square in the ground in front of Einstein then stands in the middle of it. Einstein reaches ten, uncovers his eyes, and exclaims “Newton! I found you! You’re it!” Newton replies “You didn’t find me. You found a Newton over a square meter. You found Pascal!”

2. A mathematician and an engineer decided they’d take part in an experiment. They were both put in a room and at the other end was a naked woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said “Don’t you see? You’ll never get close enough to actually reach her.” The engineer replied, “So? I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”

3. A buddhist monk approaches a burger foodtruck and says “make me one with everything.” The buddhist monk pays with a $20 bill, which the vendor takes, puts in his cash box, and closes the lid. “Where’s my change?” the monk asks. The vendor replies, “change comes from within”.

4. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting in a cafe revising his first draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I would like a cup of coffee please. No cream.” the waitress replies, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

5. Noam Chomsky, Kurt Godel and Werner Heisenberg walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other and says “Obviously this is a joke, but how can we tell if it’s funny?” Godel replies “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says “Of course it’s funny, you’re just telling it wrong.”

6. It’s hard to take kleptomaniacs and puns seriously. Why? They take things literally.

7. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

8. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do all of you want a drink?” The first logician says “I don’t know.” The second logician says the same. The third says “Yes!”

9. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” asks the bartender. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it.”

10. Another Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “Five beers please!”

11. A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor hands the baby to the dad. His wife asks if it’s a boy or girl. The logician replies “Yes.”

12. Boy I tell ya, entropy ain’t what it used to be.

13. How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

14. Why do engineers mix up Christmas and Halloween? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

15. Pavlov is at a bar enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he shouts “Oh! I forgot to feed the dog.”

16. Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” Helium doesn’t react.

17. Shrodinger’s cat walks into the bar and doesn’t.

18. A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson replied, “Well, without me, you can’t have mass.”

19. A programmer’s wife asks him to pick up a loaf of bread and, if they have eggs, get a dozen. The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread.

20. There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet though.
Catalina
Posts: 3201
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2013 5:08 pm
Location: South Texas

Sun May 24, 2015 9:31 am

Thanks for posting these and getting my day off to a smiling start! Had to look up the Christmas and Halloween one, but hey, one out of twenty isn't half bad. :lol:
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Tue May 26, 2015 12:27 am

Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Tue May 26, 2015 12:29 am

Lord of the OS
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows XP on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows XP CD. To my surprise he threw it into my microwave oven and turned it on. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.' After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I had ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE820945092OF923A40EElOE5 I OCC98D444AA08EI

'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said in a timid voice.
'No but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

It is only two lines from a verse long known in System-lore:

"Three OS's from corporate-kings in their towers of glass,
Seven from valley-lords where orchards used to grow,
Nine from dotcoms doomed to die,
One from the Dark Lord Gates on his dark throne
In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them,
In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie."'
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Tue May 26, 2015 12:33 am

ACTUAL EXCUSE NOTES

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
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ElPrado2
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Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Tue May 26, 2015 12:36 am

British Performance Evaluations
The British Military writes EPR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Tue May 26, 2015 12:38 am

Speech Goofs
"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" --George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

"This is a great day for France!" --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" --George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks." --George Bush

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." --Dan Quayle

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is." --Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." --William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." --George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." --George Bush

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." --Ronald Reagan

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." --Dan Quayle

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." --Ronald Reagan

AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.
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ElPrado2
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Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Tue May 26, 2015 12:40 am

FOREIGN GOOFS

"Bite the wax tadpole." -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." -- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"I am a jelly doughnut" --English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

"We pray for MacArthur's erection." --sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." --from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." --Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

MISCELLANEOUS

"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that." --Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States." --Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an add. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." --correction printed in The Daily Californian

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!" --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?" --announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

They X-Rayed my head and found nothing. --Jerome "Dizzy" Dean

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -Dan Quayle
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Tue May 26, 2015 12:56 am

America’s fifty states have a lot in common, but if their internet search histories are any indication they also have significant differences. Estately ran hundreds of search queries through Google Trends to determine which words, terms, and questions each state was searching for more than any other. The results ranged from mildly amusing to completely disturbing. No doubt this information will come in handy for anyone trying to decide which state they want to buy a home in, especially for those curious how their potential neighbors spend their time online. The results on the map above are just the tip of the online search iceberg. Check out what other search queries each state performed more of than any other in the list below…

ALABAMA: FOX News / God / Impeach Obama / Jesus / Jessica Simpson / Obama Is The Antichrist / Polka / Satan

Analysis: It’s a fire and brimstone kind of state, but with a soft spot for pretty blondes.

ALASKA: Adult Friend Finder / AR-15 / Bestiality / Bird Watching / Couch Surfing / Mail Order Bride / Pull Tabs / Sarah Palin

Analysis: It’s awful lonely up north.

ARIZONA: Conjugal Visits / Hippies / Scorpion Sting / How are babies made?

Analysis: Things you’d overhear on an Arizona hippie commune: “I have to reschedule my conjugal visit because have to see a doctor about this scorpion sting.

ARKANSAS: Atkins Diet / End of Days / Lap Band Surgery / Learn to Read / Walmart Jobs

Analysis: In 2013, Arkansas was declared the most obese state in America, and evidently they did something about it because in 2014 they’re now the second most obese.

CALIFORNIA: Alcoholics Anonymous / Bros Before Hos / Dandruff Cure / Food Poisoning / Google Glass / Kim Kardashian / Meat is Murder / Paris Hilton / Pokemon / Rogaine / What does Siri look like?

Analysis: California has a variety pack of issues.

COLORADO: CrossFit / Marijuana / Paleo Diet / Rocky Mountain Oysters / Tim Tebow

Analysis: Nobody jumps on the latest trends like Colorado.

CONNECTICUT: The Dave Matthews Band (band) / Hearing Voices / Pepperidge Farms / Wu-Tang Clan (rap group)

Analysis: Wu-Tang Clan and The Dave Matthews Band exchange Pepperidge Farms gift baskets during the holidays.

DELAWARE: Delaware, Joe Biden, What Is Delaware?

Analysis: Delaware is the only state that’s aware of Delaware.

DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA: Congressional Investigation / Lobbyist Jobs / C.I.A. / Hillary Clinton / Ronald Reagan / Republican Party / Democratic Party

FLORIDA: Alligator Wrestling / Botox / Eyebrow Piercing / Hulk Hogan / Juviderm / Lice / Mazda Miata / MDMA / Obamacare / Stand Your Ground / Swingers / Viagra / What is sarcasm?

Analysis: The only thing surprising about Florida’s search history is that it wasn’t even weirder.

GEORGIA: Athlete’s Foot / Butt Implants / Cooking Crack / Divorce / Spanx / Weave / What is tofu?

Analysis: In the end, homemade crack and a new butt just aren’t enough to save a marriage.

HAWAII: Buddha / Cock Fighting / North Korea / Rastafari Movement / Slam Poetry / Spam Recipe

Analysis: When you live within range of North Korea’s nukes it’s important to find distractions.

IDAHO: Bigfoot, Caramel Corn, Potato, Unicorns,

Analysis: It’s a great state for imaginary creatures hungering for carbs.

ILLINOIS: Burrito / Deep Dish Pizza / Dennis Rodman (idiot) / Golf Injury / Oasis (band) / Pizza / Racist Jokes / Thin Crust Pizza / “Workaholics” (TV show)

Analysis: In Illinois, you get a free racist joke with the purchase of a large two-topping pizza.

INDIANA: Avon / Creationism / Communism / Diabetes / I have a rash /Jared Fogle (Subway spokesman) / Pacifism

Analysis: Indiana is a conflicted state.

IOWA: Bacon / Corn / County Fair / Drake (sadly, not the rapper) / First Amendment / Gay Marriage

Analysis: A lot of young corn farmers toil all year long, anxiously awaiting the day Drake will perform at the local county fair… or else they’re just looking into the academic opportunities at Drake University.

KANSAS: Hoof and Mouth Disease / “How I Met Your Mother” (TV show) / Toupee

Analysis: Looks like Kansas finally has something to put on its travel brochures.

KENTUCKY: Black Friday / Bowling / Creed (band) / Demonic Possession / Lyrics to Happy Birthday / New Year’s Resolution / Obama Is the Antichrist (tied with Alabama) / Whores

Analysis: In Kentucky, a common New Year’s resolution is to refrain from staring at prostitutes speaking in tongues when out bowling.

LOUISIANA: Alligator Hunting / Channing Tatum / “Golden Girls” (TV show) / Paternity Test / Pope Francis

Analysis: Channing Tatum is the child’s real father!!!

MAINE: Cat Pics / How to roll a joint / Growing Marijuana / Michael Flatley’s “Lord of the Dance”

Analysis: Maine is ideal habitat for lonely cat owners who are also stoners.

MARYLAND: Crabs / David Hasselhoff / “House of Cards” (TV show) / Kickball / National Football League / Skate or Die / What is Twitter?

Analysis: David Hasselhoff? Is Maryland America’s Germany?

MASSACHUSETTS: Canadian Men / Eyebrow Waxing / George Costanza / Hangover Cure / Muppets / PCP / Tinder / Yoga

Analysis: If you can land a date with one of the much coveted Canadian men in Massachusetts, be sure to take him to the premier of “The Muppets Take PCP”. The Oscars buzz is real.

MINNESOTA: Football / Hipster / Personal Injury Lawyer / Rollerblading / Synchronized Swimming / Women’s National Basketball Association

Analysis: Let’s see how this compares to Wisconsin…

MICHIGAN: Knock-Knock Jokes / Little Caesars / Omelette / Taco Bell / Topless Bar / Where do babies come from?

Analysis: A first date in Michigan consists of meeting for fast foot and telling each other knock-knock jokes.

MISSISSIPPI: Candy Crush / Codeine / Dog Fighting / Lose Weight / Making Crack / Tupac Is Alive / Twerking / What is Instagram?

Analysis: What happens in Mississippi stays in Mississippi, and it’s definitely for the best that Mississippi doesn’t know how to post photos of it on Instagram.

MISSOURI: Family Circus (comic) / Nelly (rapper)

Analysis: Missouri’s wifi must have gone out sometime in 2002.

MONTANA: Bill O’Reilly (TV host) / Gun Rights / National Rifle Association / Meth

Analysis: So that’s how they use the internet in Montana…

NEBRASKA: Jazzercise / Shuffleboard

Analysis: The state’s new tourism slogan is “Come for the shuffleboard, stay for the Jazzercise”

NEVADA: Bitcoin / Breast Implants / Gamblers Anonymous / Great White (band) / Guy Fiery (TV chef) / Online Poker / Quiet Riot (band) / Tattoo Removal

Analysis: The shallow hedonism that was the 1980s is alive and well in Nevada.

NEW HAMPSHIRE: Cats / Ellen Degeneres (TV host) / Fireworks / Free Kittens / Live Free or Die / Ron Paul

Analysis: You can pet New Hampshire’s cats when you pry them from their cold, dead hands!

NEW JERSEY: Bon Jovi / Britney Spears / Cure for Baldness / Girdles / New Jersey Jokes / Pantaloons / Six Pack Abs / Teletubbies / Thumb Wrestling

Analysis: In New Jersey, nobody makes fun of your belly or bald spot when you’re the local thumb wrestling champ.

NEW MEXICO: Frito Pie / Juggalos / Peyote / U.F.O.

Analysis: Hopefully the U.F.O.s are just hear to abduct the Juggalos and they leave the Frito pie alone.

NEW YORK: Bail Money / Bed Bugs / Bill Maher (comedian) / Darwinism / Fur Coats / George Michael (singer) / Hangover Remedy / Marrying Cousin / Propecia / Sniffing Glue

Analysis: The saddest day in a New Yorker’s life is the day you raise bail money by selling your fur coat.

NORTH CAROLINA: Barbecue / Charles Barkley’s Golf Swing / White Snake (band) / Your Mama Jokes

Analysis: People are just having a real nice time on the internet in ol’ North Carolina

NORTH DAKOTA: Aliens / Chewing Tobacco / Curling / Fergie (singer) / Figure Skating / Mötley Crüe

Analysis: They party differently in North Dakota.

OHIO: Lebron James / Libertarian / P90X / Raccoon Hunting / Weight Watchers

Analysis: A lot people in Ohio wondering what the Weight Watchers points are for a grilled raccoon.

OKLAHOMA: Atheism / Benghazi / Miley Cyrus / Noodling / Obama Muslim / Pat Robertson / PT Cruiser

Analysis: For anyone looking to make a coffee table book of anti-Obama stickers on the bumpers of PT Cruiser, the state to do it is Oklahoma.

OREGON: Allah / Sex / Spork

Analysis: Somebody needs to go and check on Oregon.

PENNSYLVANIA: Back Shaving / Beer / Competitive Eating / Eagles (band) / Freedom / Furries / Heroin / Jello Wrestling / Madden NFL (video game) / Malt Liquor / “Married With Children” (TV show), Major League Baseball / National Hockey League / Online Dating / Oxycodone / Partying / Taylor Swift (singer) / What is ketchup?

Analysis: Might be time for the other state’s to organize an intervention for Pennsylvania.

RHODE ISLAND: Andre the Giant / Beer Pong / Blumpkins / How to roll a blunt? / MSNBC

Analysis: So is Rhode Island is just one big college fraternity?

SOUTH CAROLINA: The Benghazi Attack / Golf / Hootie & the Blowfish (band) / Nudist Colony

Analysis: After a long day of golfing, the remaining members of Hootie & the Blowfish like to take off their clothes, watch some FOX News, and complain about Darius Rucker’s solo career.

SOUTH DAKOTA: Nickelback

Analysis: Just Nickelback.

TENNESSEE: Elvis Presley / Is my wife cheating?

Analysis: Elvis left the building 37 years ago, possibly with your wife.

TEXAS: Are dinosaurs real? / Are zombies real? / The Bill of Rights / Boogers / Calf Implants / Can dogs talk? / Chupacrabra / Curves International (company) / Do I have herpes? / Does beer make you fat? / Government Mind Control / How to cook meth? / How to sell your soul to the Devil? / Justin Bieber (singer) / Krunk / Meth Recipes / Porn / Purple Drank / Rodeo / Snake Bites / Tacos

Analysis: Texas asks a lot of questions, has a worrisome level of interest in crystal meth, and probably a sore that should be looked at by doctor, but the Lone Star State also has a boatload of tacos. So many delicious tacos.

UTAH: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints / Def Leppard (band) / Demolition Derby / Girls Gone Wild / Global Warming Hoax / Jay Leno / Kama Sutra / Laser Hair Removal / Magic Tricks / Mustaches / Star Trek / Star Wars / Twinkie / Tinder / Twilight (book series) / Weird Al Yankovic (singer) / What is the internet?

Analysis: Utah spends too much time on the internet.

VERMONT: Kale Recipe / Annie Lennox (musician) / “The Daily Show” (TV show) / Gwar (band) / Poetry / Phish (band) / LSD / Stephen Colbert

Analysis: Perhaps it’s not surprising that Vermont is also the whitest state in America.

VIRGINIA: Barney & Friends (TV show)/ Blackeyed Peas (music group) / Che Guevara / Evolution / Farmville / Shakira (singer)

Analysis: Virginia, I love you, you love the Blackeyed Peas, this is why we can’t be a family.

WASHINGTON: Circumcision / Dungeons & Dragons / Gluten / Judas Priest (band) / Non-Alcoholic Beer / Pho, Quinoa / Rachel Maddow (TV Host) / Unicorn Tattoo / Happy Hour /

Analysis: At dinner parties in Washington state, it’s customary to follow the quinoa course a gluten-free dessert. After that, everyone retires to the library for a non-alcoholic beer and a casual conversation about circumcision.

WEST VIRGINIA: Anarchy / Belly Button Piercing / Cat Videos / Conspiracy Theories / Ferrets / Ghosts / How to make moonshine? / Infected Piercing / Meat Loaf Recipe / Methadone / Nancy Grace / Scabies / Second Amendment / Steroids / Vampires / Who let the dogs out?

Analysis: If U.S. states were competing in “The Bachelor”, West Virginia would be the first to not receive a rose.

WISCONSIN: Beanie Babies / Green Party / Log Rolling / Menthol Cigarettes / Mike’s Hard Lemonade / Oprah’s Book Club / Survival Shelter

Analysis: Wisconsin knows full well that in the event of an economic collapse, dollars will be replaced by a currency of cigarettes, alcohol, and Beanie Babies.

WYOMING: Ann Coulter / The Constitution / Crank / Rush Limbaugh / Sheep / Socialism

Analysis: Not a fun state to be a liberal alpaca farmer.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Tue May 26, 2015 7:56 am

Analysis for District of Columbia: Someone wants to resurrect Reagan, Hillary wants him to change parties and be her running mate.
BaroqueAgain1
Posts: 9879
Joined: Sat Sep 14, 2013 6:16 pm

Tue May 26, 2015 2:52 pm

I LOVE those British military evaluations! So Brit, so droll, so withering in their descriptions. I can't imagine American evaluations ever being so amusingly accurate.
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Wed May 27, 2015 7:00 am

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said: - "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said: - "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening: - "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: - "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Wed May 27, 2015 8:51 am

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1675
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Wed May 27, 2015 8:53 am

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?" "Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
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