Daily Laugh

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Ballerina
Posts: 3055
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 6:22 pm
Location: Chesapeake, VA & Saratoga, NY

Sat Dec 14, 2013 7:56 pm

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten overly enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezes.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:

"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.' "
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Ballerina
Posts: 3055
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 6:22 pm
Location: Chesapeake, VA & Saratoga, NY

Sun Dec 15, 2013 2:00 pm

HELLO, OPERATOR

ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!!

Actual call center conversations!


Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't getthrough;
can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England ,
do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK..'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.
So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. Thisis a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless tosay the Help Desk employeewas fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No...'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't..'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'
Catalina
Posts: 3171
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2013 5:08 pm
Location: South Texas

Sun Dec 15, 2013 5:02 pm

Love the WordPerfect one! Lord, that was a neat program, at least in the early days before they started to mimic Word.
wannabeagroom
Posts: 28
Joined: Mon Oct 07, 2013 8:51 pm

Sun Dec 15, 2013 10:02 pm

Catalina wrote:Love the WordPerfect one! Lord, that was a neat program, at least in the early days before they started to mimic Word.

I totally agree about WordPerfect - it used to be the very best. I hate Word, so when I had to switch from WP I chose MS Publisher. It can do anything and everything!
Catalina
Posts: 3171
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2013 5:08 pm
Location: South Texas

Sun Dec 15, 2013 11:42 pm

Lucky you, we got pushed into Word by our employer. Well, it's ancient history now that I am retired. I'll keep it in mind though on the off chance that I ever get back into typing complex stuff.
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Ballerina
Posts: 3055
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 6:22 pm
Location: Chesapeake, VA & Saratoga, NY

Mon Dec 16, 2013 6:03 pm

Image
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serenassong
Posts: 4696
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2013 4:36 pm
Location: Connecticut

Tue Dec 17, 2013 9:35 am

Ballerina wrote:Image

LOL! and those phone calls are really funny. Yeah, stupid people shouldn't breed.
"I reject your reality, and substitute my own!"- Mythbusters
"Oh, What fresh Hell is this?!"- Sheldon Cooper(quoted from Dorothy Parker)- Big Bang Theory
"Sometimes I think he's the King of Stupid" - Old Man- Pawn Stars
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serenassong
Posts: 4696
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2013 4:36 pm
Location: Connecticut

Tue Dec 17, 2013 9:56 am

"I reject your reality, and substitute my own!"- Mythbusters
"Oh, What fresh Hell is this?!"- Sheldon Cooper(quoted from Dorothy Parker)- Big Bang Theory
"Sometimes I think he's the King of Stupid" - Old Man- Pawn Stars
peeptoad
Posts: 2707
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 6:53 pm

Tue Dec 17, 2013 10:00 am

Ballerina wrote:Image
:lol:
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serenassong
Posts: 4696
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2013 4:36 pm
Location: Connecticut

Tue Dec 17, 2013 10:37 am

I venture over to People of Walmart when I need a good laugh, and always find an interesting shot

Like today, I wouldn't mess with her
Image
"I reject your reality, and substitute my own!"- Mythbusters
"Oh, What fresh Hell is this?!"- Sheldon Cooper(quoted from Dorothy Parker)- Big Bang Theory
"Sometimes I think he's the King of Stupid" - Old Man- Pawn Stars
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Ballerina
Posts: 3055
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 6:22 pm
Location: Chesapeake, VA & Saratoga, NY

Tue Dec 17, 2013 11:03 am

THIS is UNBELIEVABLE - WATCH FOR YOURSELF.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVL1Olr ... ata_player
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ElPrado2
Posts: 1624
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Tue Dec 17, 2013 12:12 pm

I am sitting in front of a window, innocently looking at more Walmart pics...
Some old man goes by on the street on his adult tricycle. There is a basket on the back of it with a kid about 18 months perched in it sideways. About 15 feet behind that, an old woman is pushing a huge stroller, with a hood over it, big enough for twins, at least. The stroller is hot pink plaid, as is the hood. Taped to the hood is what looks like a black shower curtain. Is not the whole point of strolling around to get some sun and air :?:
I wish I had a nice digital camera. I could keep everyone here in stitches 24 hours a day. :lol:
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serenassong
Posts: 4696
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2013 4:36 pm
Location: Connecticut

Tue Dec 17, 2013 12:14 pm

Ballerina wrote:THIS is UNBELIEVABLE - WATCH FOR YOURSELF.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iVL1Olr ... ata_player

That is so funny!

Snow is coming- time to get the bread and milk!
(nuts to that, if I get snowed in, getting booze and surf and turf)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6zaVYWLTkU
"I reject your reality, and substitute my own!"- Mythbusters
"Oh, What fresh Hell is this?!"- Sheldon Cooper(quoted from Dorothy Parker)- Big Bang Theory
"Sometimes I think he's the King of Stupid" - Old Man- Pawn Stars
Catalina
Posts: 3171
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2013 5:08 pm
Location: South Texas

Tue Dec 17, 2013 2:08 pm

Back in the few years that I spent in the D.C. area, the Washington Post once carried a hilarious column about that very same subject. People heading in droves to the stores, little old ladies, Sunday drivers, and all, to go and stock up on bread and milk like there never ever would be any more on the shelves. And slipping and sliding and generally making the drive far more hazardous for everyone else. And that everyone, no matter whether they originally came from Florida or North Dakota, suddenly started driving like they never had seen a snowflake in their entire lives.

This was published some time in between spring of 1979 and spring of 1981, and while I now and then poke the internet looking for the column, I have never found it,
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Ballerina
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Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 6:22 pm
Location: Chesapeake, VA & Saratoga, NY

Tue Dec 17, 2013 2:28 pm

Just a cautionary - don't Christmas decorate a Palm Tree. :twisted:

Image
peeptoad
Posts: 2707
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 6:53 pm

Tue Dec 17, 2013 2:50 pm

Ballerina wrote:Just a cautionary - don't Christmas decorate a Palm Tree. :twisted:

Image
Ha! That's even better than the other pic you posted!
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serenassong
Posts: 4696
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2013 4:36 pm
Location: Connecticut

Tue Dec 17, 2013 2:53 pm

Ballerina wrote:Just a cautionary - don't Christmas decorate a Palm Tree. :twisted:

Image

Ha, that is wrong on so many levels. :D
"I reject your reality, and substitute my own!"- Mythbusters
"Oh, What fresh Hell is this?!"- Sheldon Cooper(quoted from Dorothy Parker)- Big Bang Theory
"Sometimes I think he's the King of Stupid" - Old Man- Pawn Stars
User avatar
ElPrado2
Posts: 1624
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 7:45 pm

Tue Dec 17, 2013 3:20 pm

God, that could be a neighbors front yard. Except they forgot to cut the dead palm fronds off of the tree.
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Ballerina
Posts: 3055
Joined: Thu Sep 12, 2013 6:22 pm
Location: Chesapeake, VA & Saratoga, NY

Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:04 pm

You might not laugh, but it's worthy of a smile.

BOLERO by the pool.

https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=ThjY6GizZqc
Catalina
Posts: 3171
Joined: Fri Sep 13, 2013 5:08 pm
Location: South Texas

Fri Dec 20, 2013 6:18 pm

That was different OK. Nice setting, especially at this time of the year and when it's not so nice where most folks are.
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